Old Self - New Self

On closer inspection in Mum's garden, I noticed something for the first time.....

Spooky!

Mr knobbly-knee

What an EVIL grin!!

So where have I been for the last couple of months? Well, I've still been gliding around on my own little Tramadol cloud, which means it's been difficult to pin myself down enough to write either a blog or a book. I force myself with the hope my motivation will be prompted. I have changed track a bit while my energy is suppressed and have begun the tedious yet revealing task of working through Dad's medical records. This brings back memories that have been hanging around in the ether but reminds me of the stark reality of that dreadful illness and events that unfolded in the past. I have decided to plod through the pile of paperwork bit by bit and copy it pretty much verbatim into a chapter. I will then sift through it to try and describe those terrible times we all lived through. At the moment trying to pull anything even remotely creative from my foggy brain to writing it down is hard.

It has also been a little difficult when one's life exists in half days. Complete and utter exhaustion without exerting oneself is a tough one to process. Hubby has had his instructions to wake me at 10am with the hope I will participate in a full day. When he has fails to do so my body and brain seems to ache to sleep much longer. So anything between 11am and 1.30pm has become the norm, and that's only because I feel I 'ought' to get up. I'm sure if I left myself I would wake up in time for afternoon tea! On those days when I have managed to rise with the rest of the world I am not really 'with it.' I silently scream from the inside out. Normal activities exhaust me. The need to sleep becomes so overwhelming, the battery has drained, it is dead, gone phutt....

This is where I am now, but with a little more intention of improving. I did manage to do stuff a few weeks ago. I went on a trip to Ramsgate with Mum to scatter Uncle David's ashes. I had another life once, or did it belong to someone else? I spent a lot of that life in Ramsgate with my fun-dad (Uncle David), Chloe, John and Pete. The views across Pegwell Bay take me back there.

Goodbye Uncle David!

Mum, Chloe, Dandy, Henry and Uncle David
in the urn on the cliff overlooking Pegwell Bay

Mine and Pete's secret parking spot overlooking Pegwell Bay

You could drive down the chine in those days and hide in the car right up to the cliff. Yes down there. Thirty odd years ago someone knocked on the car window (presumably walking his dog) while we were, er 'courting.' From time to time I look back, to remember those that are gone and the times that are gone. Those precious moments with loved ones are gone forever and the memories we have die with us. 

I have managed to do a bit of gardening on our little caravan-in-the-woods plot. I painfully planted daffodil bulbs in pots on the decking when unwell in December. Although, this was not my original intention, the display was decent enough. I had wanted to plant them with my new dibber randomly round the plot under the shingle, so I have removed them and stored them ready to plant out again in the Autumn. Hopefully with some bluebells and forget-me-nots.

Daffodils!

Daffodils!

It has now been confirmed that I did indeed have an adverse reaction to the steroid injection in November after months of poo pooing my suggestion that this was the case. So, as steroid injections for my back are definitely off the agenda, I  wait for an appointment for pain management therapy. Which means there is nothing they can do apart from help you with pain relief methods. So that's taken 4 years to get to this point! At least my new Consultant believes in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - so I may be getting somewhere.

I just about managed to visit an old friend last weekend. She exhausted me with her energy and reminded me of the person I once was. It still seems to me as if my previous life happened to someone else, on another planet in an alternative universe. But it is still me, albeit a much slower version, which I resolve to make stronger....

Alfie pic